Mr Mom
by Thindy
Summary: Keegan comes home to Piper's territory.  #9 in the Piper series.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: "Mr. Mom" (1/8)

RATING: AA  
>CHARACTERS: Piper and the gang<p>

SUMMARY: Keegan comes home

POV: Toby

FOLLOWS: Keegan

**1**

I had just finished putting Keegan down from his way too early feeding. By the time my head hit the pillow my alarm clock started ringing.

Not wanting to get up I tried to shut the damn thing off but it still continued to ring. Finally I picked it up and threw it across the room.

CJ stirred in bed beside me, "That's the fourth one you've broken in two weeks."

I rolled over onto my back, "It had an attitude problem."

CJ tried to stifle her giggle, "The alarm clock had an attitude problem?"

"Yep," I answered yawning. I fell back to sleep in seconds and then I felt CJ begin to jab me with her elbows.

"Toby get up."

"I'm sleeping."

"I know you are I can hear you snoring but you still have to get up."

"But I'm tired," I whined hoping she'd care. She didn't.

"Whose fault is that?"

I took a stab at it, "Keegans?"

CJ pushed my arm as if she stood a chance at removing my bulk from this nice and cozy bed. She made a game show's buzzer sound and said, "Wrong."

"Maybe I could call in sick? I do feel a cold coming on," I faked a cough twice.

"Nice try Toby but I don't think so."

"But I'm tired!"

"Then I guess you shouldn't have stayed out with the boys drinking and carrying on."

"For your information we had a business meeting," I lied.

"Yeah right. Since when does a business meeting take place in a strip joint with beers?"

I turned to face CJ, grinning uncontrollably, "How did you know about that?"

"I've got my sources," she teased.

"Donna," I whispered. "I knew Josh's telling her was a bad idea."

CJ pulled the blankets over her stealing some from me, "Hey I need some too. My toes are exposed and they are cold."

"I can fix that easily," CJ said throwing the covers back and climbing out of bed. I watched as she walked to the dresser and removed socks which she threw at me.

She then went into our closet and removed a dress shirt and pair of slacks. "I'll pick the tie out while you shower. I'm assuming you're okay with choosing your own underwear?"

"Has anyone mentioned to you lately that you can be very cruel? Here I was being nice and getting up with the baby so you could sleep and now for my good intentions you're forcing me to go to work."

"Don't give me that," my wife said dryly to me. "I want nothing more than to go back to work so stop your whining, get showered, get dressed and get out!"

CJ left the room and went into the bathroom and started the shower for me, "If you loved me there'd be hot coffee when I got out!" I shouted from where I still remained in bed.

"I guess you'll have to wait and see," she said smiling at me from the doorway.

I sat up and slowly swung my legs to the side of the bed. "What about Piper? Will you be feeding her before you throw her out too?"

I heard CJ titch from outside the bedroom door. I rose and walked out into the hallway where CJ was coming back from the baby's room.

"Piper isn't going with you. She's staying home with me."

"Ahh, how come she gets to stay home and I have to go work?"

CJ gave me a kiss on the forehead, "Because there isn't any sense in our putting her in daycare when I'm home." She gave me a swat on my backside.

I grumbled as I stepped into the shower. This being the adult sure did have its disadvantages. I screamed as soon as my foot hit the shower and it felt the cold water coming down. Leave it CJ to force me into a below temperature shower to prove a point.

**2**

It was almost noon when I decided to call CJ again for the fifth time. She answered on the fourth ring, "Hello."

"Hi honey. How are things?"

"About the same as they were a half hour ago when you called Toby."

"But you miss me more don't you?" I could picture CJ smiling on the other end.

"Of course I do. I take it you're not busy?"

"Nothing that I can't take care of. Hey here's an idea. How about I leave early and take you out for dinner?"

"Oh sweetie I'd love to but Piper's not feeling that well and Keegan is kind of cranky."

"So? They'll still be that way when we get back."

"I don't think so Toby. But I can make you a nice dinner that we can share after we put Piper to bed?"

I sighed, "I guess that will have to do."

"I read the paper this morning. I see they have Bruno still doing my job."

"Yeah, I was going to tell you about that."

"Bruno's the best you guys could come up with?"

"Actually he's the only one who Josh could blackmail into doing it," I teased.

"This sucks Toby. I should be up there with them. You know how the press hates a new face."

"I'm sorry CJ there isn't much I can do. It was Josh's call and he went with Bruno."

"And you named our son after that smurf."

"If I remember correctly you gave it your blessing."

"Yeah well I take it back."

"No you don't CJ. You're just mad because you want to come to work and you can't."

"Why can't I by the way? I thought we had agreed before the baby was due that we were going to get a nanny?"

"CJ we've been over this. I just don't trust anyone but us to take care of our children. Especially with Keegan being so young and Piper so-"

"So what Toby?"

"difficult at her age," I finished closing my eyes as I said it.

"Well I had a nanny and she was wonderful. I can't see why our children won't benefit from having one."

"Great you hire your nanny and I'll drive you to work myself."

"You know I can't do that Toby. She's blind now."

"Then I guess it's settled then. You stay home and play mommy while I rough it out at the office."

"As much as I'd like to argue more with you I can't. Keegan is crying I have to go."

"I love you."

"Yeah yeah," she replied and then hung up. I smiled into the receiver. I hadn't noticed that Abbey was sitting on my sofa until I glanced outside my door.

"Abbey," you startled me.

"Yeah I have that effect on people. Was that CJ?"

"Yeah. She had to go because Keegan was crying."

"You're looking for a nanny?" I stared at Abbey. "I wasn't eavesdropping Toby. I just happened to overhear while I was sitting here listening," Abbey replied holding her hands up.

"Well you're mistaken. We're not for looking for a nanny."

"No eh?" Abbey challenged.

"Okay CJ is. Why who do you know?" I asked afraid she was best friends with a Mary Poppins wannabe.

Abbey shook her head, "Not a soul Toby. But I do know this. Jed wants CJ back and he wanted her back yesterday."

More sighing from me as I sat there watching Abbey watching me back. "I don't know what to tell him Abbey. I suppose we could hire outside for the time being?"

"I tell you this as your friend Toby. Jed won't do that. He wants CJ."

"Well what am I supposed to do? Strap Keegan onto her back and stuff her pockets with diapers?"

"If I can find the most suitable person for the job of caring for your children will you give your blessing for CJ to return to work?"

"Abbey you're asking me to place my babies into the hands of a stranger. You of all people should know that isn't going to happen."

"Toby you know Jed and I love those kids as if they were our own. We would never stand for anyone to hurt them."

"I know. You're right."

"So will you trust me?"

My eyes wandered to my hands that were placed on my desk. I began rolling my thumbs over one another. I knew I had to answer and yet at the same time I was hoping Abbey would give up and leave.

"I'm not going to leave Toby. So you can keep waiting for it because it isn't going to happen."

Damn she was good. Finally I relented, "Alright. But on one condition?"

"Sure name it."

"CJ AND Piper both have to approve of who you choose."

"I think that is fair enough," Abbey got off the couch and came towards me with her hand stretched out. "Deal?"

I accepted her hand, "Deal." It was official. I had sold my soul to the devil.

***3:10 PM***

I was in the middle of writing a speech when I drifted off and began daydreaming. I was sitting here at work and CJ was down in the press office doing her thing. Of course in my story she was wearing a black silk teddy with stiletto heels and her hair piled onto her head with only a few loose strands. But hey this was my vision.

And then we received a call that the decrepit old nanny Abbey hired had drifted off with a cigarette in her hand and a fire broke out, leaving my kids all alone to fend for themselves.

Only Piper was too small to reach into Keegan's crib to get him out and now she was trapped in his room. She couldn't call 911 because she didn't have access to the phone and even if she did she was without the knowledge of who to call.

I ran with Superman abilities all the way to our home and just as I'm about to brave the flames and run in-I get woken back to reality with Sam knocking on my door.

"Toby? Earth to Toby?"

"There's a fire," I gasp jumping up.

"What? Where?" Sam follows me as I run from my office out into the bullpen. And then reality sinks in and I realize that my children are safe at home with CJ.

I turned back to Sam who wasn't more than two steps away from me. "The deal is off," I tell him before walking as fast as my legs could carry me down to the Oval Office. I bet if I look back Sam is still standing there trying to figure out what I'm talking about.

Charlie is sitting at his desk and Debbie is behind hers. Oh how I miss Mrs. Landingham right now. Even though I have come to love and adore Debbie, Mrs. L remains an important figure in my heart.

"Is he in?" I ask breathlessly before stopping at the door leading me to the President.

"He's with Leo right now but-"

I don't wait for him to finish. I burst into the office. "I'm sorry to interrupt Mr. President." I nod at Leo, "Leo."

"I could have been naked," Bartlet informs me.

I think my eyes pop out but because I can still see I'm relieved to know they didn't, "I beg your pardon?"

"I could have been naked in here you know. I mean for your sake you're lucky I'm not but I could have been. Didn't your mother ever teach you that it's rude to enter the Oval Office without knocking?"

I looked at Leo for help but he looked more confused then I did. "I'm sorry Sir. I guess I was taking the chance that you might be decent."

Bartlet nodded, "This time you were right. Next time you might not be so lucky."

"I pray to God Sir that should there be a next time I will be so lucky. And by the way Sir, thank you for that kind imagery you have so graciously given me." I licked my lips as I eyed the liquor sitting on a tray.

Bartlet followed my gaze, "I'd offer you some but for some strange reason I think you're too close a friend with Mr. Johnny Walker at this moment in time."

I shook my head and half laughed, "Sir I assure you I haven't had anything to drink besides coffee. And I'm not even sure what I drank could be correctly identified as coffee."

Bartlet tilted his head to the left, "Recite the alphabet without slurring and I'll forgive you for barging in here."

"Are you kidding me?"

Bartlet gave me a deadpan look, "Of course I am." He smiled and sat down behind his desk and picked up his reading glasses.

I released a sigh of relief and then he said, "Start at the beginning."


	2. Chapter 2

TITLE: "Mr. Mom" (2/8)

RATING: AA  
>CHARACTERS: Piper and the gang<p>

SUMMARY: Keegan comes home

POV: Toby

FOLLOWS: Keegan

**3**

"How can you laugh at that? It was humiliating."

CJ's face was a pinkish shade as she continued to laugh at my expense. "I'm sorry honey. It's just that I can actually picture you reciting the alphabet."

"Ha ha. Laugh it up you sick individual," I said rising to place my empty dish into the dishwasher. CJ handed me hers and I placed it underneath my own.

"I would have given anything to see that. I would have paid good money."

"I think this side of you should have been revealed before I was forced into saying I do." CJ slapped my thigh as I walked past her to the table.

"I think Santa should have brought you a sense of humour rather than that stupid X-Box you pleaded for."

"That was more for Sam and Josh than it was for me."

"Yeah. That's why you're on it before and after they arrive. Admit it, you're a strange little man."

"I didn't hear you calling it little before," I teased grinning.

CJ was about to respond but I guess she though twice about it. The doorbell rang and then Keegan began to cry. "I'll take the door," I offered. She was already on her way to the baby.

"I can gets it Daddy," Piper told me as we walked into the living room.

"That sounds good to me pumpkin," I lifted Piper up so she could see through the peep hole.

"Yeah! It's Nana Abbey."

I opened the door and sure enough there was Abbey standing there wearing her usual cheery smile whenever Piper was around. "Hello there sweetie," Abbey greeted my daughter. I got a stiff, "Toby," as she entered.

"What brings you to these neck of the woods Abbey?"

"I come bringing a nanny just as I promised."

I looked outside before I closed the door and then back at Abbey. I shoved my hands inside my pockets, "Okay I give where is she?"

"In due time my dear. In due time."

"Nana Abbey does you want to play with me. I's got a new paint set."

"Oh sweetie Nana can't right now. How about I take a rain cheque?"

"Okay," Piper said simply.

"It's time you started getting ready for bed anyway Piper. So give Nana Abbey a goodnight kiss," I instructed.

Piper gave Abbey a kiss and a hug and then said to me, "Don't forgets to get my monies off of her. Mommy can cash it tomorrow." Then she scooted up the stairs yelling for CJ.

Abbey and I both laughed, "I don't think she understood what a rain cheque was," I said on Piper's behalf.

"That's alright. You can afford to give her a few bucks on my behalf," Abbey winked at me.

CJ came down the stairs looking tired. "I'll tell you one thing. That boy has a good set of lungs on him."

"Is he asleep?" I asked. CJ sat on the seat beside me and I placed my arm around her shoulders.

"With some help from God he is. Piper's getting her pajama's on. I told her she could play with the dogs in her room until we came up to say goodnight."

I nodded my approval. "Well," Abbey said getting started. "As you both know I have been looking for a suitable candidate to take the place of CJ during the day so that she could work."

"You couldn't possibly have found someone already?" I asked with a tad bit of fear in my voice.

"I move fast Toby," Abbey confessed.

"Well don't keep me in suspense. Who is this sucker and how much do they want?"

"Toby," CJ said giving me one her famous jabs to my ribs.

"What?"

"Did you have to use the word sucker? These are our children. They're not monsters you know."

I didn't answer CJ. I concentrated on Abbey, "So who is she?"

"Actually Toby it's a he."

"A he? As in a he he?"

"Do they come any other way?" Abbey countered.

"Are you suggesting we place a man in our home?" I directed to CJ.

"Not just any man Toby. A very responsible man."

"Responsible my ass. I'm not paying to have a man here. Nope forget it."

"He comes free," Abbey reported.

"Okay I've heard enough," I stood up. "Deal is definitely off. No way, no how. No!"

"The deal was that as long as Piper and I approved whomever Abbey chose was acceptable," CJ said giving me one of her nasty looks.

"That was before she planned to put some perverted freebie in our home," I spat as I paced.

"Toby give me some damn credit. I am a mother you know. It's not like I picked the first guy off of the street."

"There you see Toby," CJ said.

"It was more like the third," Abbey said smiling.

"Oh I feel much better now," I replied.

"Well I approve," CJ responded.

I turned to CJ, "You what? How can you approve? You don't even know who it is for Christ's sake."

"Yes I do," she said proudly.

"Oh yeah Mrs. Smarty Pants then who is it? Huh?"

"It's you," Abbey said for CJ.

"Yeah that's what I-" I stopped. "What?"

"We have all decided that CJ should come back to work and you will be the one to take her place," Abbey explained.

"You can't do that. I have a job to do."

"So do I," CJ argued.

"But mine is important." Oh boy. Shouldn't have said that. Atleast not out loud. Maybe she didn't notice. I looked down at CJ. Yep, she noticed. She's giving me that glare now.

"I'm sorry," CJ said lightly. "Did you just say that your job is more important than mine? You didn't just say that right?"

"It slipped."

The pillow that I thought looked horrible on our couch looked even worse as it flew by my head. "Sorry about that," CJ said calmly. "It slipped."

"Look Toby," Abbey began. "The President has agreed to allow you to work from home so that you can be with the children and CJ can return. He can't have Bruno running the Press anymore. He's worse than Josh."

"Let me ask you something Abbey. Since when did you start pimping for your husband?"

"Toby!" CJ yelled surprised at what I had asked.

"That's okay CJ. I candle him," Abbey said. "I am doing Jed a favour. And as your friend I thought it best you hear it from me rather than him. Trust me Toby, the way I'm saying it is a hell of a lot nicer than Jed would."

She no doubt had a good point there. "Besides you were the one with the big mouth bragging about how you could do your work from your bed," Abbey pointed out.

There's me and my big mouth getting into trouble for what seemed to be the hundredth time this week. "So what, am I supposed to hold meetings with Senators and Congressmen over Keegan's change table?"

"Oh Toby don't be so dramatic. You're nostrils get all flared up," CJ warned, grinning at the same time.

"CJ don't make me do this. I can't take care of them," I motioned upstairs to where our kids were.

"Excuse me? Don't make you? You are their father Toby."

"Really Toby. There's nobody else more qualified than yourself. And you meet all of your own requirements so it's perfect," Abbey chimed in from the none of your business section of our home.

"The President can't be serious about this?"

"Why not? You can contact everyone you need to by fax, phone or email. You can take part in any conference calls and we've got that stupid web cam you wanted so bad," CJ pointed out.

I took a deep breath. This was insane. Me stay at home? Alone with two kids, what are they thinking? "CJ, you know how hard it was for me with Piper when I first had her."

"Yes I do Toby. And I recall how great you were with her. You managed didn't you? Besides, it's not like you can't call me if you get into any trouble here and there."

Here and there, who was she kidding? It was going to be more like here, here and everywhere. I looked at the two women who were quite content with the decision that had been made without me and realized I had lost long before I had even started.

"Fine," I gave in.

"Great then it's settled. I'll go home and tell Jed," Abbey grabbed her purse and prepared to leave. CJ and she chatted at the door before she finally left.

"I can't believe you did this behind my back," I confronted my wife.

"I didn't do this behind your back Toby. But when Abbey mentioned it I thought it was a great idea. Especially when you called me again after the previous 9 times before that. Obviously there was a part of you that wanted to be here."

"Yeah but with you too."

"Toby I would never put Piper and Keegan in jeopardy. They will always come first. But I have a job to do that I enjoy. So if I have a chance to do that and know at the same time that they will be safe and well taken care of, then I'm going to take it."

CJ gave me a kiss on the lips and started up the stairs, "I've got to get Piper into bed. Are you coming?"

"Yeah," I mumbled. As I followed CJ upstairs I said, "Don't think you're getting any good snacks from me in your lunch?"

**4**

Keegan finally fell back to sleep at twenty after six. I stumbled blindly towards my bedroom and flopped onto my bed. The sheets that were once warm had become cool while I was up feeding the baby.

I wrapped the comforter around my body and rolled over sealing myself in its warmth. Ahh, this was good. I didn't fight with my eyelids that were slowly forcing themselves shut. I drifted off.

There was a bounce on my bed and then I felt my daughter jump onto my back screeching, "Daddy daddy wake up. Wake up!"

"It's still early. Go back to bed," I managed to grumble.

"No it's feeding time. I is awake and I is starving," she responded rolling further onto my back and giving me a nudge.

"Piper daddy is exhausted. How about you let me get some more sleep?"

"But I is awake NOW."

I untucked myself from my blankets and quickly turned around making Piper jump back. I didn't scare her she was used to this part. I grabbed her by her side and tucked her onto my chest and threw the blankets back over, sealing us in.

"I've got you," I whispered.

"Is you going to makes me goes back to sleep again?"

I looked into Piper's eyes and grinned, "Yep."

She rolled her eyes back at me, "Oh I hates this part. I isn't sleepy anymore."

"Pretend," I said almost pleading.

"I'll try but I cants promise anything," she laid her head back down on my chest.

She fell back asleep with me for almost two hours. "Daddy?"

"Hmm?" I was still half asleep.

"I can't sleeps anymore. The Sandman left his crumbs and now its time for me to get up."

Piper had asked Josh one day why there was always crusty stuff in her eyes when she woke up. His response was that the Sandman sits on your eyelids during the night to help keeps your eyelids closed so you could sleep.

And while on his lunch break the messy Sandman would drop crumbs from his food onto your eyes. That was how you knew you had a good night's rest. Ever since then she's been convinced the story was true.

CJ and I didn't see any harm in allowing her to believe that. Who were we to judge when we lied through our teeth about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy?

"I'm stuck," Piper grunted while trying to get out of the blankets. "I cants….get…..out," she gave a good shove and broke free leaving me exposed and cold. A habit I was beginning to get accustomed to between her and CJ.

"Alright," I said stretching and yawning. "I'm getting up."

"Good because I am still starving," Piper jumped off of the bed and was about to break away downstairs.

"Brush your teeth and wash your face first," I called out probably making her stop in her tracks at the top of the stairs.

"Why?" she whined. "I'm only going to dirty them when I eat."

"Then when you're done eating you'll just have to clean them again," I answered getting out of bed. I grabbed my robe and stepped into my slippers and followed behind her as she walked into the bathroom.

I brushed my teeth and washed my face and then kicked her out so I could use the washroom. By the time I got downstairs she was already watching the Teletubbies.

"What shall it be today?" I asked as I got the coffee maker prepared.

"Fruit Loops," she answered with excitement.

I nodded my approval and went to the cupboard, "Fruit Loops it is then." Only when I looked inside the cupboard there was none to be found. "Ah Piper we don't have any Fruit Loops."

"But I wants Fruit Loops."

"I know you do sweetie. But we don't have them. How about some Captain Crunch?"

"I doesn't like Captmin Crunch."

"Okay let's not panic," I replied. I started to whistle as I roamed the cupboards. We got back the day CJ went into labour and neither of us obviously did groceries during that time. "We've got toast?"

"Can you make it French?"

"I doubt it. But I will try my best."

"Just doesn't burn it like you done before. That was yucky."

I mimicked Piper as I removed eggs from the fridge. One Saturday morning weeks ago CJ went out shopping with Hogan and I was on breakfast duty. I did the bet I could but I still managed to burn the French toast. Obviously that is still a recent memory in my little one's mind.

I turned the kitchen radio on and sang along as I prepared breakfast. "Come and get it," I sang out to Piper.

She came running into the kitchen and sat at her seat with her specially made placemat nice and clean in front of her. A gift from Sam at Christmas. "Here you go," I placed her plate in front of her and a glass of orange juice.

Piper picked up the orange juice and stared into the glass. "Is something wrong?" I asked her as I caught her examining the juice.

"I've got floaties in my juice."

"They're not floaties. It's pulp."

"It's floaties," she argued. "Eww, I isn't drinking this." She placed the glass down and picked up a fork.

"There is nothing wrong with it Piper. It's fresh. I just squeezed it myself."

"I doesn't think you squeezed it long enough. They's floating all over."

I poured her a glass of milk instead and placed it down. "I wants chocolate please?"

"Fine," I grabbed her glass back and added some chocolate syrup and stirred it before handing it back.

"Thank you," she replied. She raised the glass to her lips and took a big drink.

What she drank came back up across the table and onto the floor making me jump back in my seat that I had just taken. "PIPER," I yelled.

"This is gross," she sobbed. She started spitting as if there was something on her tongue.

"Stop spitting. That is not necessary," I shouted out grabbing the cloth from the counter. "Why did you do that?"

Piper was crying, "My chocolate milk tastes yucky."

"Your chocolate milk does not taste yucky Piper. I just made it," I grabbed her glass and examined inside before I took a sip. Then I ran to the kitchen sink and spit it out. "Oh Good God that's horrible," I yelled into the sink.

How fast a child can go from tears to laughter when it's someone else feeling the pain. "Yours is yucky too?" She asked giggling.

I dumped the rest of the glass into the sink and went into the fridge for the milk to check the expiry date. I couldn't' find the milk. "That's odd? I just used-"

I stopped. I didn't just use the milk as I was about to say. I made a mistake and grabbed Keegan's formula that CJ prepared and had placed in a pitcher.

"What daddy? What did you use?"

I turned to Piper and smiled, "Piper I gave you Keegan's formula."

"You what?"

"I'm sorry. It was an accident. I goofed up."

"You fed me baby food?"

"I didn't mean to."

"Oh boy. I's probably gonna have poison now," she said too dramatically for my taste.

"You're not poisoned. If it makes you feel any better I think there's milk IN the formula?"

"How many more hours till mommy comes home?"

I glanced at the microwave clock. It was quarter to nine. I cleared my throat and answered, "Uh, only 8 or 9 more hours."


	3. Chapter 3

TITLE: "Mr. Mom" (3/8)

RATING: AA  
>CHARACTERS: Piper and the gang<p>

SUMMARY: Keegan comes home

POV: Toby

FOLLOWS: Keegan

**5**

With the breakfast disaster over I decided I would work on educating Piper before Keegan woke up and we were off to do groceries. I had her sit with across from me in the den on the loveseat. "Okay Piper, Today we're going to learn how to call for a help."

"But I knows that already."

"Well we're going to learn more. You can never know too much."

Piper sighed knowing she was going to get out of this. "I knows to call 911 when bad things happen."

"That's good. I'm glad you remember that," I praised proudly.

"You said it lots and lots of times."

"And for good reason. It made you remember so I'm doing something right. Now do you know what our phone number is?"

"703-450-7747."

"Excellent. Now how about you tell me where Mommy and Daddy work and the phone number there?"

"202-456-1414 and you work for Papa Jed."

"Yes we do. But what's Papa Jed's proper name and title?"

"Jed Bartlet, President of the United States."

"Very good Piper."

"I already knows this stuff. Why does I have to go over it?"

"Just to make sure you know it. Incase of an emergency."

"Likes when that mean man tooks me from the zoo?"

I held my eyes on Piper and lowered my tone, "Yeah honey. Like that time."

"But I knows the number then because I calleds you at the big house."

"White House," I corrected.

"I know but its big too."

"Yes it is honey. But if you tell people Daddy's in the big house they're going to think I'm in prison."

Keegan started crying which was my cue, "While I feed and get Keegan ready I'd like for you to go and get yourself dressed as well." I got up at the same time Piper did and we started for the staircase. From behind her I said, "And then I'd like you to bring me the brush and some of those round things too."

"They is called elastics daddy."

"Just as long as you know what they are is all that matters," I stepped into the baby's room. "Hey big guy," I whispered so Piper wouldn't overhear. I took Keegan from his crib and held him in my arms. "Good morning Keegan. How are we today?"

His only response was to cry. I took him downstairs and placed the bottle in the pouch CJ bought to warm up bottles. When it was ready I removed it, shook it against my arm so I could test the temperature.

"Okay buddy, we're good to go here," I sat down on the sofa in the living room and with Keegan cradled in my arms began feeding him his bottle.

I flipped through the channels on the television. I was appalled at the amount of junk that was aired this early in the morning. I settled on 'Regis and Kelly'.

I found Kelly adorable and I loved he called her Pipa. It reminded me of when Piper and I first met and the way she would pronounce her name.

Keegan was halfway through the bottle when I had to practically rip it from his mouth so that I could burp him. He did his thing and I gave him the bottle back before he started to fuss.

One thing I can say about my son is he has my lack of patience. I think that's a trait both of my children have received from my end of the gene pool.

Piper came running down the stairs which made me yell out, "How many times have I told you not to run down the stairs?"

"Lots," she said out of breath when she reached the bottom. She came over and dropped the brush and three different coloured elastics onto the coffee table.

"Then you should know better. Stairs are not meant for running down. You could fall and seriously hurt yourself."

"I know."

"Well if you know then why do you do it?"

"I forgotted."

Keegan finished the bottle and as I burped him I continued my lecture, "Well how about you try hard not to forget and even harder to remember?"

"How cuz you are slapping Keegan? Was he bad?"

"I'm not slapping Keegan. I'm gently tapping him to help him burp."

"You want him to burp?"

"Yes. That way the bubbles can be released from his tummy."

"How cuz when I does it you makes me say excuse me but Keegan doesn't have to?"

"Because you are four years old and need to learn your manners."

I laid Keegan down against the back of the couch and picked up Piper's brush. "Okay today we are going with a regular brush and then one big ponytail."

"I wants two though."

"Well you don't have any of these things that match and besides, you know I can't do the pigtail thing very well." I usually had them so uneven that at four Piper would be better off doing it herself.

"Mommy can do two."

"Mommy can do just about everything." I began brushing her hair and I came into some knotty areas that didn't impress Piper at all.

"Ow," she cried out. "You're hurting me."

"I'm sorry honey. But your hair is very knotty."

"How would you like it if I dids that to your hair?"

I gathered her hair and threw the elastic around three times before tightening it. When she turned around I handed her the brush and bent my head forward. "Go for it," I teased.

Piper pretended to brush my hair and when I was pretty enough for her she ran back off to her room. I scooped Keegan up and took him upstairs to bathe him.

Once I had him bathed I brought him into his room and placed him on the change table strapping him in. Securely too I might add. There wasn't going to be any rolling on my watch. It didn't matter if he was only a few days old.

"What is you doing?" Piper asked as she strolled into the room dressed in Power Puff style.

"I'm getting the baby dressed so we can finally get out of here."

"Can I help?"

I considered saying no and then decided against it. This was a good sign that Piper wanted to get involved with Keegan. I just had to find something. I didn't see any diapers so I was going to have her fetch them when I remembered they were on the 'out of kids range' shelf.

"Okay big sister I've got a job for you. And it's a very important one."

"Oh I can do it. I'm good at impotent jobs."

"Important," I blurted rather quickly. "Im-por-tant."

I clapped my hands together and rubbed. "Alright here is baby powder. Babies need this so their uh, uh- well I guess so their little bums stay dry," I guessed. "What I would like you to do is pour this all over the area here," I motioned around below his stomach."

"That's easy. I can do that," Piper reached for the baby powder that I was currently holding.

"Okay you do that and then I'll run down and get the diapers. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I won't be longer than a minute. Keegan is strapped in so he will be fine. But if anything happens I want you to scream."

"Okay."

"What do you do if anything should go wrong?" I asked before leaving the room.

"Scream," Piper said stepping onto her child step stool so she could reach Keegan. I was gone no longer than twenty seconds when I heard Piper start screaming.

My heart jumped into my throat as I booked my ass back up the stairs. When I entered the room I got the shock of my life. From head to toe both Keegan and Piper were covered in baby powder.

The shit was floating everywhere. I grabbed Piper off of the step stool and un-strapped Keegan. Luckily it wasn't in his mouth or eyes. He wasn't even upset.

"What did you do?" I screamed at Piper who looked like a miniature ghost.

"I did what you tolds me to."

"No, No. I didn't once say pour the entire contents of the baby powder all over yourself AND your brother."

Piper looked at me and a small smile broke out on her face as she said, "Oops."

**Six**

I was still in the middle of cleaning Piper when Sam arrived. "Hello," he called from downstairs.

"Up here Sam."

Footsteps were heard and then Sam appeared. "Toby did you notice you've got a lot of white dust floating around? That can't be good for the children."

"I'm glad you're paying attention Sam. It just so happens that Piper here took it upon herself to decorate she and Keegan in baby powder."

Sam snorted, "It's not funny Sam."

"Yes it is."

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at the office bugging someone else?"

"Actually I'm here to pick up the documents that Sankey gave to you. You said you were going to send them over but you haven't."

"Yeah I know. I haven't forgotten it's just that I haven't had the chance to leave my house yet."

I lifted Piper from the tub and wrapped her in her pink Barbie blanket. "I'll leave you to dry off. I'm going to put your clothes on your bed."

I left Piper in the bathroom and walked into her bedroom. Keegan was asleep again in his crib. By the time I got them ready I'd have to feed him again. How do women do this on a daily basis?

I moved my head slightly to see Sam standing in the doorway of Piper's room, "You're still here?"

"I need those documents Toby. Leo wants them for a meeting this afternoon on the Hill."

"Alright let me just get her clothes out." I grabbed a blue top with ribbons and a pair of jeans from her dresser. "Piper let's go," I shouted out.

I ran down the stairs to my office and grabbed the folder that Sam was waiting on. We took a few minutes to chat when we heard a loud thump.

We both took off up the stairs and when I reached the bathroom Piper was lying on the ground crying.

"Hey," I said softly as I knelt down before her. "Are you okay?"

She continued to lie there sobbing, "I hurts my head."

"She's very shiny," Sam commented.

I didn't pay him any attention. I lifted Piper up and within a quick second she slipped through my fingers and I dropped her back down on the floor.

"Oh my God," I yelled out.

"What?" Sam asked panicked.

"Ow, now you hurt my bum," my daughter cried out.

"She's all slippery," I shouted to Sam but kept my eyes on Piper.

"Is that why she's all shiny?"

"What do you think Einstein? Piper what in the name of God did you do now?"

In between her sobs she replied, "I was all sticky so I trieds to make myself smoother like mommy does."

I glanced around and on the back of the toilet was the Vaseline jar sitting with ¾ of its contents missing.

I rubbed the top of my head and tried to figure out what to do. "Okay okay. Let's not panic."

"Should I call CJ?"

"NO!" I screamed at Sam. "I mean thanks but no. I can do this on my own. I don't need CJ everytime I have a small problem."

"Small?" Sam asked.

"Okay this is simple actually. I'll just put her back in the tub and give her another bath. Yeah, geesh what was I getting all paranoid about? This should be easy."

I tried to scoop Piper and again she fell through my grasp. Sam dove forward to keep her from falling and hurting herself again.

"This is great," Sam commented. "How do we get her INTO the tub?"

I looked at my hands, "Obviously it's because I'm greasy that I can't get a good grip on her. Don't let her go anywhere. I'll be right back."

"Yeah okay. Like where were was she going to go?"

I ran downstairs and grabbed CJ's oven mitts and then back to the bathroom. I put the mitts on and said, "Okay on the count of three let's get her in the tub."

"Shouldn't we put water in the tub first?"

"Good thinking," I started to run the water.

"Can I's have bubbles daddy?"

"Not this time honey no. I don't want anything extra being added to you right now except for soap and water."

When the tub was ready I turned the taps off and got back into position, "Okay on three."

"Okay one," Sam began.

"Two," I said.

"Three," we said together and with Sam grabbing her arms and me holding her legs we were able to get her into the water.

Let me tell you know that water and Vaseline do not mix. Who knew? As soon as Piper tried to sit herself up she slid across the bathtub.

"Grab her! Grab her!" I screamed as I reached for her. I damn near fell in the tub as I tried to get a hold of her before she went under the water.

Piper was screaming at the top of her lungs. I think our grabbing for her scared her more than sliding.

"What do we do?" Sam cried out.

"I don't know, I don't know."

"I just wanted to be smooth," Piper, whined.

"I know baby. Next time try using moisturizing cream okay," I patted her greasy head.

Then a thought came to me. "Watch her," I left and went into Keegan's room for the baby powder.

When I came back I started to dump the powder over Piper's hair but then I ran out and she started coughing because of the powder flying around.

"This isn't going to work. Let's get her out of here and onto my bed."

I grabbed all the towels from the linen closet and laid them down. Together we pulled her out of the tub (she partly slid) and onto the dry towels.

We then carried the towels a corner each into my bedroom. I threw another bunch of towels onto her to cover her and keep her warm.

"What if we blow dry her?"

"Blow dry her Sam?" I asked doubting his suggestion.

He shrugged his shoulders, "It couldn't hurt."

He had a point so I grabbed CJ's blow dryer and plugged it in by her nightstand. I turned it on and began to use the blow dryer.

"It's not helping," Sam said as he touched parts of Piper where I had tried to dry her. "We need something else."

"Yeah and we need it fast," I said not having a clue what to do. I guess I'm going to have to call CJ after all.


	4. Chapter 4

TITLE: "Mr. Mom" (4/8)

RATING: AA  
>CHARACTERS: Piper and the gang<p>

SUMMARY: Keegan comes home

POV: Toby

FOLLOWS: Keegan

**5**

With the breakfast disaster over I decided I would work on educating Piper before Keegan woke up and we were off to do groceries. I had her sit with across from me in the den on the loveseat. "Okay Piper, Today we're going to learn how to call for a help."

"But I knows that already."

"Well we're going to learn more. You can never know too much."

Piper sighed knowing she was going to get out of this. "I knows to call 911 when bad things happen."

"That's good. I'm glad you remember that," I praised proudly.

"You said it lots and lots of times."

"And for good reason. It made you remember so I'm doing something right. Now do you know what our phone number is?"

"703-450-7747."

"Excellent. Now how about you tell me where Mommy and Daddy work and the phone number there?"

"202-456-1414 and you work for Papa Jed."

"Yes we do. But what's Papa Jed's proper name and title?"

"Jed Bartlet, President of the United States."

"Very good Piper."

"I already knows this stuff. Why does I have to go over it?"

"Just to make sure you know it. Incase of an emergency."

"Likes when that mean man tooks me from the zoo?"

I held my eyes on Piper and lowered my tone, "Yeah honey. Like that time."

"But I knows the number then because I calleds you at the big house."

"White House," I corrected.

"I know but its big too."

"Yes it is honey. But if you tell people Daddy's in the big house they're going to think I'm in prison."

Keegan started crying which was my cue, "While I feed and get Keegan ready I'd like for you to go and get yourself dressed as well." I got up at the same time Piper did and we started for the staircase. From behind her I said, "And then I'd like you to bring me the brush and some of those round things too."

"They is called elastics daddy."

"Just as long as you know what they are is all that matters," I stepped into the baby's room. "Hey big guy," I whispered so Piper wouldn't overhear. I took Keegan from his crib and held him in my arms. "Good morning Keegan. How are we today?"

His only response was to cry. I took him downstairs and placed the bottle in the pouch CJ bought to warm up bottles. When it was ready I removed it, shook it against my arm so I could test the temperature.

"Okay buddy, we're good to go here," I sat down on the sofa in the living room and with Keegan cradled in my arms began feeding him his bottle.

I flipped through the channels on the television. I was appalled at the amount of junk that was aired this early in the morning. I settled on 'Regis and Kelly'.

I found Kelly adorable and I loved he called her Pipa. It reminded me of when Piper and I first met and the way she would pronounce her name.

Keegan was halfway through the bottle when I had to practically rip it from his mouth so that I could burp him. He did his thing and I gave him the bottle back before he started to fuss.

One thing I can say about my son is he has my lack of patience. I think that's a trait both of my children have received from my end of the gene pool.

Piper came running down the stairs which made me yell out, "How many times have I told you not to run down the stairs?"

"Lots," she said out of breath when she reached the bottom. She came over and dropped the brush and three different coloured elastics onto the coffee table.

"Then you should know better. Stairs are not meant for running down. You could fall and seriously hurt yourself."

"I know."

"Well if you know then why do you do it?"

"I forgotted."

Keegan finished the bottle and as I burped him I continued my lecture, "Well how about you try hard not to forget and even harder to remember?"

"How cuz you are slapping Keegan? Was he bad?"

"I'm not slapping Keegan. I'm gently tapping him to help him burp."

"You want him to burp?"

"Yes. That way the bubbles can be released from his tummy."

"How cuz when I does it you makes me say excuse me but Keegan doesn't have to?"

"Because you are four years old and need to learn your manners."

I laid Keegan down against the back of the couch and picked up Piper's brush. "Okay today we are going with a regular brush and then one big ponytail."

"I wants two though."

"Well you don't have any of these things that match and besides, you know I can't do the pigtail thing very well." I usually had them so uneven that at four Piper would be better off doing it herself.

"Mommy can do two."

"Mommy can do just about everything." I began brushing her hair and I came into some knotty areas that didn't impress Piper at all.

"Ow," she cried out. "You're hurting me."

"I'm sorry honey. But your hair is very knotty."

"How would you like it if I dids that to your hair?"

I gathered her hair and threw the elastic around three times before tightening it. When she turned around I handed her the brush and bent my head forward. "Go for it," I teased.

Piper pretended to brush my hair and when I was pretty enough for her she ran back off to her room. I scooped Keegan up and took him upstairs to bathe him.

Once I had him bathed I brought him into his room and placed him on the change table strapping him in. Securely too I might add. There wasn't going to be any rolling on my watch. It didn't matter if he was only a few days old.

"What is you doing?" Piper asked as she strolled into the room dressed in Power Puff style.

"I'm getting the baby dressed so we can finally get out of here."

"Can I help?"

I considered saying no and then decided against it. This was a good sign that Piper wanted to get involved with Keegan. I just had to find something. I didn't see any diapers so I was going to have her fetch them when I remembered they were on the 'out of kids range' shelf.

"Okay big sister I've got a job for you. And it's a very important one."

"Oh I can do it. I'm good at impotent jobs."

"Important," I blurted rather quickly. "Im-por-tant."

I clapped my hands together and rubbed. "Alright here is baby powder. Babies need this so their uh, uh- well I guess so their little bums stay dry," I guessed. "What I would like you to do is pour this all over the area here," I motioned around below his stomach."

"That's easy. I can do that," Piper reached for the baby powder that I was currently holding.

"Okay you do that and then I'll run down and get the diapers. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I won't be longer than a minute. Keegan is strapped in so he will be fine. But if anything happens I want you to scream."

"Okay."

"What do you do if anything should go wrong?" I asked before leaving the room.

"Scream," Piper said stepping onto her child step stool so she could reach Keegan. I was gone no longer than twenty seconds when I heard Piper start screaming.

My heart jumped into my throat as I booked my ass back up the stairs. When I entered the room I got the shock of my life. From head to toe both Keegan and Piper were covered in baby powder.

The shit was floating everywhere. I grabbed Piper off of the step stool and un-strapped Keegan. Luckily it wasn't in his mouth or eyes. He wasn't even upset.

"What did you do?" I screamed at Piper who looked like a miniature ghost.

"I did what you tolds me to."

"No, No. I didn't once say pour the entire contents of the baby powder all over yourself AND your brother."

Piper looked at me and a small smile broke out on her face as she said, "Oops."

**Six**

I was still in the middle of cleaning Piper when Sam arrived. "Hello," he called from downstairs.

"Up here Sam."

Footsteps were heard and then Sam appeared. "Toby did you notice you've got a lot of white dust floating around? That can't be good for the children."

"I'm glad you're paying attention Sam. It just so happens that Piper here took it upon herself to decorate she and Keegan in baby powder."

Sam snorted, "It's not funny Sam."

"Yes it is."

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at the office bugging someone else?"

"Actually I'm here to pick up the documents that Sankey gave to you. You said you were going to send them over but you haven't."

"Yeah I know. I haven't forgotten it's just that I haven't had the chance to leave my house yet."

I lifted Piper from the tub and wrapped her in her pink Barbie blanket. "I'll leave you to dry off. I'm going to put your clothes on your bed."

I left Piper in the bathroom and walked into her bedroom. Keegan was asleep again in his crib. By the time I got them ready I'd have to feed him again. How do women do this on a daily basis?

I moved my head slightly to see Sam standing in the doorway of Piper's room, "You're still here?"

"I need those documents Toby. Leo wants them for a meeting this afternoon on the Hill."

"Alright let me just get her clothes out." I grabbed a blue top with ribbons and a pair of jeans from her dresser. "Piper let's go," I shouted out.

I ran down the stairs to my office and grabbed the folder that Sam was waiting on. We took a few minutes to chat when we heard a loud thump.

We both took off up the stairs and when I reached the bathroom Piper was lying on the ground crying.

"Hey," I said softly as I knelt down before her. "Are you okay?"

She continued to lie there sobbing, "I hurts my head."

"She's very shiny," Sam commented.

I didn't pay him any attention. I lifted Piper up and within a quick second she slipped through my fingers and I dropped her back down on the floor.

"Oh my God," I yelled out.

"What?" Sam asked panicked.

"Ow, now you hurt my bum," my daughter cried out.

"She's all slippery," I shouted to Sam but kept my eyes on Piper.

"Is that why she's all shiny?"

"What do you think Einstein? Piper what in the name of God did you do now?"

In between her sobs she replied, "I was all sticky so I trieds to make myself smoother like mommy does."

I glanced around and on the back of the toilet was the Vaseline jar sitting with ¾ of its contents missing.

I rubbed the top of my head and tried to figure out what to do. "Okay okay. Let's not panic."

"Should I call CJ?"

"NO!" I screamed at Sam. "I mean thanks but no. I can do this on my own. I don't need CJ everytime I have a small problem."

"Small?" Sam asked.

"Okay this is simple actually. I'll just put her back in the tub and give her another bath. Yeah, geesh what was I getting all paranoid about? This should be easy."

I tried to scoop Piper and again she fell through my grasp. Sam dove forward to keep her from falling and hurting herself again.

"This is great," Sam commented. "How do we get her INTO the tub?"

I looked at my hands, "Obviously it's because I'm greasy that I can't get a good grip on her. Don't let her go anywhere. I'll be right back."

"Yeah okay. Like where were was she going to go?"

I ran downstairs and grabbed CJ's oven mitts and then back to the bathroom. I put the mitts on and said, "Okay on the count of three let's get her in the tub."

"Shouldn't we put water in the tub first?"

"Good thinking," I started to run the water.

"Can I's have bubbles daddy?"

"Not this time honey no. I don't want anything extra being added to you right now except for soap and water."

When the tub was ready I turned the taps off and got back into position, "Okay on three."

"Okay one," Sam began.

"Two," I said.

"Three," we said together and with Sam grabbing her arms and me holding her legs we were able to get her into the water.

Let me tell you know that water and Vaseline do not mix. Who knew? As soon as Piper tried to sit herself up she slid across the bathtub.

"Grab her! Grab her!" I screamed as I reached for her. I damn near fell in the tub as I tried to get a hold of her before she went under the water.

Piper was screaming at the top of her lungs. I think our grabbing for her scared her more than sliding.

"What do we do?" Sam cried out.

"I don't know, I don't know."

"I just wanted to be smooth," Piper, whined.

"I know baby. Next time try using moisturizing cream okay," I patted her greasy head.

Then a thought came to me. "Watch her," I left and went into Keegan's room for the baby powder.

When I came back I started to dump the powder over Piper's hair but then I ran out and she started coughing because of the powder flying around.

"This isn't going to work. Let's get her out of here and onto my bed."

I grabbed all the towels from the linen closet and laid them down. Together we pulled her out of the tub (she partly slid) and onto the dry towels.

We then carried the towels a corner each into my bedroom. I threw another bunch of towels onto her to cover her and keep her warm.

"What if we blow dry her?"

"Blow dry her Sam?" I asked doubting his suggestion.

He shrugged his shoulders, "It couldn't hurt."

He had a point so I grabbed CJ's blow dryer and plugged it in by her nightstand. I turned it on and began to use the blow dryer.

"It's not helping," Sam said as he touched parts of Piper where I had tried to dry her. "We need something else."

"Yeah and we need it fast," I said not having a clue what to do. I guess I'm going to have to call CJ after all.


	5. Chapter 5

TITLE: "Mr. Mom" (5/8)

RATING: AA  
>CHARACTERS: Piper and the gang<p>

SUMMARY: Keegan comes home

POV: Toby

FOLLOWS: Keegan

**7**

I was on my way back to the bedroom with the phone cradled under my chin. CJ wasn't available and wouldn't be for a couple of hours but I had managed to convince Donna to help me.

"Of course I wouldn't put her in water. How stupid do I look?" Sam glanced up at me from the bed where he was sitting with Piper and I shrugged at him. I wasn't going to admit to Donna that we flunked that test of knowledge.

"Cornstarch? Yeah I think we have some of that. Uh Donna, where would one keep that?"

I raised a finger at Sam to let him know I'd be another minute and then ran down to the kitchen. I roamed three cupboards before I found the cornstarch. "Okay I've got it. Now what?"

I listened to Donna, "Okay hold on I'm running back upstairs now," I was out of breath by the time I got back to Piper and Sam.

"Paper towels? You couldn't have mentioned that while I was already in the kitchen right?" Donna gabbed a bit longer, "Okay hold on again while I run back down."

"Sam keep an ear out for Keegan. He's due to be waking up soon. The kid doesn't sleep more than an hour when I need him to."

"Daddy I's thirsty."

I looked at my daughter who through all of this was being an awfully good sport. Shinier than a new nickel, but still being braver than I can imagine most kids being.

"Sweetie I'll grab you a juice box. Sam can you wrap her up a bit more please? Her lips look like they are turning purple."

Sam grabbed a blanket and hugged Piper closer to him while I took off again. I was back in the room and had Donna ready to explain when we heard another voice from downstairs.

Sam and I looked at each other with surprise and began whispering about who it was. "Toby? It's Josh."

"Doesn't anyone knock anymore?" I whispered to Sam.

"Up here Josh," I called out. "Okay Donna I've got cornstarch and paper towels. What now?"

As Donna explained the steps I repeated them out loud for Sam as well. We took it step by step. "With the paper towel blot as much of the Vaseline from her hair as we can."

Sam and I did as instructed, "With the cornstarch blot or pat it into her hair but make sure we don't rub it in."

"Don't rub it in Sam."

"I heard you Toby. I'm right here you know," Sam snapped as he patted Piper's hair with cornstarch.

"Hey guys what are you doing up here?" Josh then caught a glimpse of what we were doing. "Good God Toby, what have you done to her?"

"She wanted to be shiny," Sam said.

Josh laughed, "Holy crap sunshine. I think you've outdone yourself this time," Josh said looking down at Piper.

"Hi Uncle Josh. Does you need some paper towel too?" Piper offered the roll of paper towels that she was holding to help us out.

Josh shrugged, "Sure why not." He accepted the roll and tore of a few strips. "What do I do?"

"Blot the hair with cornstarch," Sam instructed and then demonstrated for Josh.

"Who's he on the phone with? CJ?"

"No Donna. She's telling him what to do."

"Oh well this should be educational coming from Donna," Josh teased as he began to blot the one side of Piper's head.

"Okay guys we have to make sure the entire area of Vaseline is covered with this stuff if we want it to work right."

"I think it is Toby," Sam offered. He bent further down and rubbed his nose with Piper's. "You're all slippery like a seal."

Piper giggled, "Cool."

"Donna says that she's not sure if it will work on the rest of her body but to try and do the same thing anyway. Blot her down with cornstarch all over."

"It can't hurt," Josh said as he moved from Piper's head to her shoulders and arms.

"She suggests Philou's Green Apple Shampoo, Vain's Peppermint Strip and or Edwin Paul's Classic Shampoo to get rid of the Vaseline properly. Apparently they work better at getting it out. Can you run to the drugstore Sam and pick one of them up please?"

"Vaseline comes with shampoo brands for just this occasion?" Josh asked sarcastically.

I hung with Donna and Josh and I concentrated on covering my daughter in cornstarch. It took us over a half hour to cover her completely.

"Now just put her on 350 and bake for an hour," Josh joked.

"NO!" Piper squealed. "Don't bake me. Daddy don't bake me."

"Nobody's going to bake you Piper. But we are going to throw you into the shower and try to get this off of you."

"We should probably transfer her there in the towel again," Sam advised. He had returned a few minutes prior to Josh and I finishing. So Josh and Sam carried her this time while I ran a warm shower.

"How many times did Donna say to do this?" Sam asked as he and Josh carefully placed Piper into the shower.

"It's hot," she cried.

"It's not hot honey. It's lukewarm."

"It's hot," she argued and curled up her cornstarch filled toes.

"It's warm Piper. Now is seriously not the time to be arguing with me."

I answered Sam, "Donna said to repeat it twice to make sure we get everything."

"Do we bathe her in this stuff too?" Josh asked as he read the bottle that Sam brought home.

We looked from one another, "I can't see any harm in it. Why not?"

"Okay I'll take her hair, Josh can rinse and Toby you wash her down," Sam instructed.

We took our positions and got to work.

**8**

"My eyes!" Piper shrieked scaring us all. Josh dropped the shower massager and it bounced around coming back to spray Sam straight into his face. "My eyes!" Piper screamed again and then began sobbing.

"Her eyes Toby," Josh cried out for me as he tried fumbling around with the massager.

And then Keegan began to cry. "Oh shit," Sam whispered.

"Oh shit," Piper repeated.

"Hey!" I raised my voice directing it both at Sam and Piper. Josh finally got a hold of the massager while Sam took a second to dry himself off. Meanwhile I was using a dry cloth to wipe Piper's eyes and check for any soapy substances.

"Your eyes are fine sweetie," I consoled my daughter who was still sobbing softly.

"Jesus Piper you scared me half to death," Josh said placing his hand over his heart. He motioned towards my son's bedroom. "How about I get him for you? Let you get her cleaned up."

"Thanks Josh," I helped Piper out of the tub and wrapped her up in towels. CJ wasn't going to be impressed that practically every towel we owned was down on this floor somewhere.

"I'm alright by the way," Sam said smiling as he got back up on his feet.

"You soaped my eyes," Piper scolded Sam.

"I didn't mean to. Besides, it says no tears on the bottle."

"Did you see me cried hard?" Piper asked.

"I did as a matter of fact and-"

"It lied," Piper stated straight out cutting off Sam.

"I'm sorry. I'll try not to get soap in your eyes the next time we have this kind of experience," Sam winked at Piper as he made a quick exit out of the bathroom.

"I want you to go into your room and put clothes on. Nothing shiny or powdery is to touch your body. Do I make myself clear?" I inquired of my little one.

Piper nodded, "Just clothes Piper and nothing else."

Again she nodded. As she left the bathroom and I scooped up the towels Josh came running in. "Oh God Toby," he gasped.

"What?"

"He pooped."

I laughed, "Babies do that from time to time Josh. I thought by now you'd know that."

"But not like this they don't."

I followed Josh back to Keegan's room. Standing with the baby out at arm's length was Sam. He had a look of disgust on his face.

"What's the problem?" I asked trying to stifle my laughter.

"You have to ask?" Sam questioned as he tried to hold Keegan out further.

"Woo, it's so damn ripe. It's making my eyes sting," Josh complained as he waved his hand back and forth in front of him.

"For heaven's sake he's only a baby. You both smelled like this more than once in your lives," I stepped forward and took Keegan from Sam. I had to admit he did smell bad and if Sam and Josh weren't standing there with their noses plugged I'd probably be out in the hallway gasping for fresh air.

I removed Keegan's sleeper and when I opened the diaper Josh's complexion turned grayish and he turned to run out of the room but was blocked by Sam who was also trying to get out.

"You two are pathetic," I shouted out as they took off running. "They are just a bunch of big babies aren't they buddy," I spoke to Keegan as I put on a fresh diaper and sleeper.

"Can he talk back daddy?" Piper was standing beside Keegan's crib.

"No honey he can't. Not for awhile."

"Hmmm."

"What's hmmm for? What's on your mind little one?"

"Nothing. Well okay maybe just this one thing. If he cants talk and he cants walk, then what's so special about him?"

I smiled down at Keegan. "There are lots of things that are special about him."

"Tells me cuz I isn't seeing them."

"Well for one he's special because he's apart of us."

"How?"

"Well he was created by mommy and me so he comes from us."

"How?"

I stopped rocking Keegan and stared at Piper while I decided how to handle this. Okay I'm ready, "That's a question for when you're about 30 and mommy is home to tell it. Now how about we go feed Keegan so we can go out?"

I followed Piper downstairs and noticed that Sam and Josh had made a complete getaway and left all together. That was okay, Sam got what he came for atleast and still managed to rescue me from disaster.

I got Keegan's bottle ready and began feeding him while Piper sat on the floor in front of the television watching some blue dog act like an idiot in my opinion. She didn't seem all that interested in the show so I made the mistake of changing it.

She let out an ear piercing scream and looked as if she was convulsing on the carpet. My first impulse was to run and give her medical attention until I realized that was doing was throwing a fit.

"Piper!" I shouted above her screams.

"Change it, change it!" She screamed.

I turned the entire television off with my freehand and used my chin to continue feeding Keegan. Piper was still yelling at me to turn the television back to her show. She hadn't even noticed that I had turned it off entirely.

"Piper," I said using my stern voice. "Calm down."

"Blues clues. You got rid of Blues Clues," she sobbed.

"Well then I suggest next time you ask me politely to put it back. You do not freak out like you just did."

Piper turned away from me. A habit she had when she didn't like something she was being told. "I'm still talking to you Piper. Please turn around."

"No. You're going to yells at me."

"You haven't seen nothing yet little lady. Now turn around." Ten seconds went by and she still hadn't moved. I was beginning to lose my patience. "Piper if I have to tell you again I assure you that you'll plead for me to yell," I warned not having a clue as to how I'd follow through on my threat.

She moved maybe an inch. The kid was testing me. Did she really want to play games with me? Why is it easier for me to get my message across to adults but I can't seem to make my own child listen to me. I removed the bottle from Keegan and burped him still keeping my eyes on her.

Keegan was content and drifting off so I placed him on the sofa and surrounded him with pillows. "Piper don't test me," I said calmly.

She gave me a grin and was about to move back away from me, that whole inch. I bolted from the couch and grabbed her up in my arms and headed for the stairs. She tried to kick her way out of my arms but I wasn't letting her get away from me. "Put me down," she shouted.

"Since you don't want to listen to me then I don't think you deserve to be around me," I said going up the stairs towards her bedroom.

"Ahhhh," she screamed as she tried to push off of me. I held her tighter and instead of going into her room I went into the baby's. I placed her inside his crib which made her scream at me again.

"If you want to act like a baby then I'm going to treat you like one. You can stay here until you learn how to behave."

"No," she cried. "Gets me out."

When I got to the doorway I turned to my daughter who had so much of me emerging from her small face. "The longer you scream and carry on then the longer you stay in here. I'm not playing games with you Piper. The choice is yours," I stepped out and closed the door.

She screamed, "I hates you," over and over and it tore at my heart. I took a deep breath and went back downstairs before I gave in and changed my mind.


	6. Chapter 6

TITLE: "Mr. Mom" (6/8)

RATING: AA  
>CHARACTERS: Piper and the gang<p>

SUMMARY: Keegan comes home

POV: Toby

FOLLOWS: Keegan

**9**

I gurgled and cooed with Keegan until he fell asleep on me again. I never knew that babies could be so boring this young. The phone rang and I made sure my son was secured before I got up to answer it. It was CJ.

"Hey you."

"Hey yourself. I've only got a few minutes but Carol told me you called."

"Yeah I just wanted to say hi is all."

CJ hesitated before asking, "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. Can't a husband just call to say hello to his beautiful wife whom he misses dearly?"

"Not when the wife is me and I wasn't born yesterday Ziegler?"

On my end I was smiling. "How are the babies?" CJ tried to inquire nonchalantly.

"Are you checking up on me?"

"No. I'm just curious as to how my children are."

"They're fine," I paused. "You don't think I can do this do you?"

"Don't be ridiculous Toby. If I didn't think you could handle taking care of our children I wouldn't have left you alone with them."

Okay she had a point there. "Listen hon I've got to go Leo's here."

"Why? What's going on?"

"Nothing important really. We just have a meeting."

"What meeting? I wasn't informed of any meeting."

"And you wouldn't be considering you're not here are you?"

"Whose all coming to this meeting? What's it about? Will the President be there?" My mind was racing.

"Toby?"

"C'mon CJ I'm dying over here. Let me atleast live vicariously through you?"

"I will talk to you later when I get home Toby. Oh which by the way will be later than usual."

I used my whiny voice, "Why?"

"The girls want to take me out for a drink afterwards. No big deal."

"No big deal? CJ I was going to prepare a special dinner for us."

"I'm sorry Toby but they asked me earlier on and I wasn't able to talk to you first so I just went and pulled a Toby."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that whenever the guys ask you out you don't think twice about standing me up to go with them."

"That's different."

I hit a nerve and CJ's voice was proof, "How so?" she demanded. I could picture her standing there with that scary expression she usually uses on Sam, and having her hands pushed hard against her hip.

I cleared my throat and began to tread softly, "Well we uh, we uh-"

"Yeah that's what I thought Ziegler. I've got to go. Kiss the babies for me. I love you," and then she was gone. I looked at the receiver and said aloud, "She didn't even wait for me to say goodbye."

I hung up the phone and looked up towards the staircase. I wonder what Piper was up to and how long it was going to take me to clean it up? I picked up Keegan and snuggled him against my chest and I took my time going upstairs.

I stopped in front of Keegan's door and put my ear against it to hear any sounds. There weren't any so I opened the door. Piper was passed out inside the baby's crib. She looked so sweet and innocent. And then I took into consideration that she was also sleeping.

I placed Keegan on my bed and went back into his bedroom for Piper. I stood above the crib and watched her breathe. I stretched my hand inside and placed it on her head and began to play with her hair that was severely tussled. But thankfully clear of Vaseline.

"Piper," I whispered. Whispering was kind of defeating the purpose considering I was there to wake her up. I shook her small shoulders softly. "Hey sweetie wake up."

She began to stir and then rolled over facing me, "Hi Daddy."

"Hi beautiful. Did you have a nice nap?"

Piper looked around her surroundings, "Is I still stuck in here?"

"Daddy will get you out," I lowered the front side of the crib and reached for her.

"If I is good does you promise not to put me back in there?"

"You didn't like it?"

"No. I cants get out. I try and I try but I was trapped for hours."

I found not only Piper amusing but also the fact that Keegan's crib was my new goldmine. "I promise that IF you are good I will not put you back in this crib."

"Deal," Piper nodded her head.

"Okay then," I clapped my hands together. "How about we go get some groceries?"

"And some Fruit Loops right?" she asked me with excitement.

"Especially Fruit Loops," I answered following her out of Keegan's bedroom.

***1 Hour Later***

The experience of grocery shopping with a four year old and a newborn is one I hope not to experience again in my lifetime.

At the exact moment that Piper accidentally knocked over the bin of apples while searching for 'the shiny one', Keegan decided it was time to wake up and scream at the top of his lungs.

As I tried to console him, Piper took it upon herself to chase down the runaway apples that were all over the place. I tried to dance in the same spot with the baby to get him to stop crying and he rewarded me by spitting up all over my jacket.

How does so much liquid come out of something so small? I searched the baby bag for his pacifier or dummy as CJ preferred calling it and shoved it in his mouth. A sigh of relief escaped me when it quickly took effect quieting Keegan.

I pushed the cart forwards towards where I last spotted Piper. Out of the corner of my eye I caught her talking to a young looking couple. The man walked over to me laughing before he reached me. What the hell was funny?

"Hi, it looks like you have your hands full there," he motioned over to Piper's direction.

"I take it she's spoken," I said jokingly.

"She sure has. I don't mean to be a tattle tale or anything. I've got a few at home myself. Well they are in school right now."

I nodded my understanding, "You're lucky."

"I just thought you might like to know she's offering her baby brother for sale. He's not a bad price either. I believe the going rate was a whole dollar," the man said chuckling.

I think the colour drained from my face, "Please tell me you're joking?"

"I'd like to buddy but I'm not. She's a sweet kid. My son did that to our daughter too when we first brought her home. I know how you feel."

He couldn't possibly have the slightest idea. "Anyway, she's giving out your phone number."

Oh dear God. "Thank you very much. I'm sorry that she bothered you."

"Oh hey she wasn't a bother. Like I said I've got kids. I know what it's like."

I shuddered as I took that second to think back to the grocery store. I had parked in our garage so I left the baby in his car seat and carried in the groceries. Piper helped herself out of the car and was already in the house before I was.

**10**

I had just finished putting the groceries away when I started making a peanut butter and jam sandwich for Piper. For some reason no matter how hard both CJ and I tried we couldn't get off her pb and jam kick.

Piper came into the kitchen upset, "Daddy look." She held out a furry sticker.

"Is that one of the stickers I bought for you at the grocery store?"

"Yes and it's broken cuz it's all hairy," she glanced sadly at the sticker that was in the palm of her hand.

I looked down at it. "What on God's earth did you do to it."

"Nothing. Alls I did was make Barbie pretty."

I stopped spreading the peanut butter and looked back at Piper, "Which Barbie are we talking about honey?"

"Barbie the dog silly."

"What do you mean by make her look pretty?" I know I'm not going to like this.

"I puts this stickers all over her so she could look nice."

My jaw fell open. Somewhere Barbie our Sheltie, was probably hiding in shock trying to lick the new bald patch she was wearing. "Oh Piper you didn't?"

"Can you fix this please?" She handed the sticker to me.

I knelt down to my daughter's level, "Piper you can't go putting stickers on the dog sweetie. You can seriously hurt her."

"But how else does I make her look pretty?"

"Brushing her is a start. What if she had bitten you?"

Piper thought for a quick second, "Then it would have hurt."

I shook my head and gave up. "I'd like you throw that sticker in the trash please and wash your hands. I've made you a sandwich and I'll make you a chocolate milk too."

"Without the baby's food this time daddy?"

"Yes Piper, without the baby's food," I took a plastic cup out of the cupboard while she ran to the downstairs bathroom and cleaned her hands.

When she came back she stood at the table and stared at her sandwich. "Is something wrong?"

"It still gots the crust. I can't eat that."

"I'm sorry," I said removing the plate from the table. "I forgot how you don't like the crust."

Piper climbed onto the chair and inspected her chocolate milk. "There is no formula in there I promise," I placed her plate down before her. Now I'm going to go into my office and do some work. Can I trust you to sit here and eat your lunch without getting into trouble?"

Piper nodded her head. I hesitated but I didn't have much of a choice. I still had plenty to do before the day came to an end. "When you've finished your lunch come and get me and I'll put a movie on for you."

"Okay. Can I watch Monsters Inc.?"

"You watched that yesterday. Don't you want to watch something else?"

"No."

"Piper I don't like you watching the same movie over and over. What about Cinderella?"

"I doesn't like her as much as I does Monsters Inc."

I debated about arguing but decided it was useless and I went on my way. Approximately fifteen minutes later Piper appeared in the doorway to my office.

"Hey Daddy."

"Yes honey," I replied continuing on with my writing.

"I checked on Keegan and he's still sleeping cuz I pissed in his ear and he didn't wake up," she told me proudly.

My heart stopped for a quarter of a second and I stopped writing. I looked over at my daughter who was beaming from the doorway. "I beg your pardon you what?"

"I pissed in his ear and he didn't wake up. I did good right?"

"What do you mean by (pause) pissed?" I had a very difficult time getting that out.

Piper came into my office and over to me, leaned over and went "pssst."

I released a sigh of relief, "OH I see," I wiped my brow and rubbed my face. This kid was going to give me a stroke by the end of the week I swear to God.

"That was a good big sister thing right?"

"Yes honey it was. Besides trying to auction him off at the grocery store you've been a very good big sister."

Piper lit up and jumped around, "I'm ready to watch my movie now."

"Did you eat all of your lunch already?" That was pretty quick.

"Yes I was really hungry because you didn't give me a very good breakfast like mommy usually does."

Okay that was below the belt. I stood up and walked out with Piper bouncing happily behind me. I picked up the DVD to pop in the entertainment center and that was when I noticed my son.

From head to toe he was covered in Piper's stickers. The movie fell from my hands as I fell over myself trying to get to my boy. "Oh my God Piper. Why did you do this to him?"

I was about to remove the stickers from his face when I thought better of using a wet cloth to make them less sticky. "Didn't you think he looked pretty daddy?"

"Piper I can't believe you just did this again after I just finished telling you it was wrong," I scolded her angrily.

"No you didn't."

"Oh yes I did missy. I guess you weren't listening as usual."

"I was so listening and you didn't say I couldn't make Keegan pretty. Alls you said is I couldn't make Barbie pretty," she shouted back at me.

I turned off the taps and I kept my back to her as I stood there reencountering the conversation. She was right. I didn't mention anything about Keegan. I only said it was wrong to do it to Barbie. Damn!

I came back into the room, "I apologize Piper. I was wrong and you were right." Then I whispered, "This time." I raised my finger up at her, "BUT from now on you don't put a sticker on anything besides your sticker book or any of your own toys. Do I make myself clear?"

"Well now you do sure," she answered. Why couldn't either of my sisters have a child like mine? Why was I the only one constantly being tested by God?

"I'd like for you to go up and clean your room while I remove the mess you made of your brother."

"Why?"

"Because it's a terrible mess and it needs to be cleaned."

"Your room is a mess. Are you going to clean it too?"

"No I'm not," I replied testily.

"Then how cuz I have to?"

"Because I said so that's why. Piper don't test me right now. I'm severely on the edge and there's still a lot of hours in this damn day. Now move it!"

Piper trudged towards the staircase, "This isn't fair. I was supposed to be watching a movie. Nobody saids anything about having to clean my room."

"Once you've finished your room you can watch your movie."

"Have you seen my room?" Piper turned back challenging me. "I could be there until I is six."

At this moment I could only hope.


	7. Chapter 7

TITLE: "Mr. Mom" (7/8)

RATING: AA  
>CHARACTERS: Piper and the gang<p>

SUMMARY: Keegan comes home

POV: Toby

FOLLOWS: Keegan

**11**

With Keegan cleaned up and fed to satisfy his extremely large thirst for formula I put him in into his crib for another one of his endless naps. I checked in on Piper. If I thought her room was messy before, I hadn't seen the room's full potential.

"Good Lord honey," I gasped as I took in the mounds of toys that were scattered throughout her bedroom. "Are you in here?"

Her small head popped out of the mounds of clothes that consumed a good quarter of her bedroom, "I'm right here."

"How in the world did your mother ever allow this room to get so bad?"

Piper looked around her surroundings and held her hands up confused, "What's wrong with it?"

"It's a mess honey that's what's wrong with it. How do you ever find stuff in here? I bet if I look hard enough I could probably find my youth in here."

"I didn't play with it honest," she told me with a worried look that I was trying to pass the blame onto her. I only laughed.

"I know you didn't honey. To be honest I didn't do much with it myself." I took a step forward and stepped on something mushy that immediately soaked my sock.

I held my foot up to inspect what the hell happened to it and I was hit by a foul order. I had to step back to balance myself on her bedroom door. "Piper?"

"Yes daddy."

"I just stepped in something over there," I pointed to the location. "Can you please tell me what foul smelling mushy thing you've got hidden in this room?" I asked her giving the chance to come clean.

"Oh that," she said softly. "I was going to throw it out honestly but I forgots."

Please don't let it be her hamster…was all I could think of. "What is it?" I croaked and cringed at the same time.

"Mommy's meatloaf."

The cringing went away and full control laughter took its place. CJ's meatloaf was close to being listed as a nuclear weapon with our Government. Although I'm sure not going to be the one to tell her otherwise. As far as I am concerned when she asks, it's the best meatloaf I've ever had.

Even if I wanted to I couldn't show disapproval towards Piper. The bottom line was that I was quite amused with her idea. Maybe even a little beaten that she had been the one to think of it and even more so the one with the nuts to carry it off.

As I removed my sock I did ask her politely to dispose of it before her mother came home. "Also, I will do anything that you're little heart desires if you would do daddy a huge favour?"

"What?" Piper asked making a face as she cleaned up the recently stepped on meatloaf.

"I've got a conference call that I can't miss. Keegan is sleeping so he's okay and I've got the baby monitor in my office. What I would like is for you to not leave this room until I come and get you and more importantly, be good."

"So you is asking me for two favours?" She placed her hands on her hips and waited for my response.

I nodded, "It would seem so yes. Piper this meeting is important. I can't have you sticking your brother or the dog."

"I said I wouldn't do that again," she raised her arms up showing her frustration for my bringing that to her attention once more.

"I know you did sweetie. I just feel better saying it here and there. You know just incase you forget and I don't know," I glanced around her room. "Sticker your hamster?"

Piper followed my gaze and then we looked at one another. "What?" She prompted me.

"Piper where is your hamster?"

"I doesn't know."

"What do you, what do you mean you don't know? There should be a cage about yay big," I stretched my hands out to emphasize the size of the cage.

"It's in here somewhere," she looked around quickly.

"I'd like this room cleaned before I'm done my call," I grabbed the handle on the door.

As I made my way down the hall I heard Piper yell out, "I hope your call lasts a long long time."

**My Office**

I had been talking to Josh and Sam while we waited for the President to return to the Oval Office. I heard the commotion of him entering the room.

"My apologies but I was needed in the Situation Room," I heard the Bartlet explain.

"What for Sir?" Sam asked.

"A situation Sam," Bartlet said with hesitation. "I trust that Toby's still alive and with us as I speak?"

"I'm here Sir," I said into my headset.

"Good glad to hear it. You haven't baked that beautiful child of yours yet have you? I heard about what happened," Bartlet laughed.

"As much as I'd like to Sir I regret to inform you that she is still intact."

"She's a great kid."

"You can say that Sir because she's not yours," I replied to his comment.

"Toby that girl will keep you grounded. Take my word for it."

"I think she's adorable," Sam piped in.

"Josh?"

"Yeah Toby?"

"Smack Sam for me please. I'll owe you one."

"Sure thing Toby." A few seconds later I heard Sam cry out, "Ow."

"How about we get down to business Sir," Leo spoke up. Let it be Leo to always get the party started.

"Yeah I suppose you're right. As much as it saddens me to see Sam slither away from a beating I guess we do have some work to do today."

"Thank you Sir," Sam said.

"So when do we get to the good stuff?" I asked impatiently.

"You are all aware that Senator Lyndon has previously in his past had a drinking problem," Leo began.

"He still does, doesn't he?" I heard Josh ask.

"Well you don't just lose it if that's what you're implying Josh," Leo snapped.

"So the rumours are true then?"

"What rumours Sam?" I heard myself ask.

"Well I don't know all of it but I heard that he was responsible for the deaths of three people."

I think I heard the President say, "Oh my God." "Leo?" came from Josh.

"We don't know the whole story yet Sam," Leo stated.

"If Sam knows about this then whose to say that CNN won't be next?"

"Josh makes a good point Leo," I said.

"CJ's on it. She's working on damage control as we speak."

Sam interrupted Leo, "Leo we're not going to protect him? (pause) Are we?"

"We can't just disregard this Sam. He's a Senator."

"Leo I don't care if he's the President's brother. (beat) No offense Sir."

"None taken."

"Leo he willingly drank alcohol and then willingly stepped into a car and killed a mother and her two babies. I say we don't disregard but we kick his ass ourselves."

"Are you finished?" Leo shouted back at Sam who had raised his voice as well.

"I'm not saying we make a victim out of him but we have to protect him until we know all the facts."

"Sam's right Leo."

"Mr. President you of all people I would think-" he was cut off by Bartlet.

"Leo we punish people for that particular crime. How can we not now?"

"He's got a problem Sir. I say we get him some help."

"Oh give me a break," Josh shouted. "I'm so sick of hearing how alcoholics who break the law deserve to get away with their crimes all because they have this so called problem."

The room grew quiet. I tried to gulp back my shock with as less noise as possible. I could picture Leo's face getting all red and steam coming off the top of his head. This wasn't going to be pretty.

"So called problem?" Leo stated.

"Leo look," Josh began before Leo repeated, "So called problem?"

"Daddy?"

I sat upright in my chair. Was that my kid in the Oval Office? "Shh," someone said.

"I heard that too," was Sam's voice.

"Daddy is you there?" I glanced around my office, even looking up at the ceiling.

"Piper?" Bartlet called out.

"Daddy can I come out now? My room is all cleaned up."

My head would have hit the desk had my arm not prevented it from falling. This wasn't happening to me.

"What did you do Toby lock her up?"

"It's as if she's in the room with us," Sam whispered.

"Piper honey," Bartlet spoke. "Where are you exactly?"

"I's in the baby's room. Is that you Papa Bartlet?"

"It sure is darling."

"Piper I thought I told you not to leave your bedroom?"

"I didn't daddy. I laid my blanket out from my door to Keegan's room and I is still standing on it. So if my blanket hasn't left my room then I hasn't either."

Everyone in the Oval Office began laughing. "God I love that child," Bartlet said through his laughter.

I took my headset off and threw it onto the desk. I was outsmarted once again.

**12**

When I got upstairs I helped Piper remake her bed and then took a few seconds to ponder over her room. It was surprisingly clean.

"Does I get my favour now?" She wasted no time jumping onto that one.

I sighed. It was much easier to just surrender to her. Keegan was still asleep so I might as well choose now to get this over with. I took a quick glimpse on him to make sure he was still breathing. For a newborn he sure did sleep a lot. Why didn't four year olds?

"Okay daddy will play with you. But I have to warn you, I don't have much cash on me."

"I doesn't want to bet for money. I want to play dress up."

"Dress up? I'm already dressed though."

"Not for tea you're not. I wants to have a tea party and dress up."

"Okay. You get the fake kettle ready and I'll go put on a tie," I advanced towards my bedroom.

"No daddy. You can't wear a tie."

I looked down at Piper, "Then what do I wear?" I sighed.

"I want to be Nana Bartlet and I wants you to be Mrs. Doubtfire."

"Oh no," I began to wave my hands frantically at my waist level. "No way!"

"You said anything my little heart desires," she snapped at me quickly, ready for a fight.

"Anything but that is what I meant."

"That's not what you said and my heart desires you to be Mrs. Doubtfire."

I leaned against the wall. I was seconds away from banging myself into a coma. "Piper I'm not Mrs. Doubtfire. She's a character in a movie."

"I don't care," she practically growled at me. "You can pretend."

"Piper I'll be anything else but Mrs. Doubtfire," I tried to reason.

"Anything?" she questioned giving me a doubtful look.

"Yes anything," I held up my hand to my heart. "I swear."

"Okay then." A sigh of release escaped me. "Then I want you to be Nana Bartlet," my daughter demanded.

Before I could argue she said, "And don't tell me no this time. You said anything and if you doesn't do it you is a liar and I'll tell mommy."

Was I being blackmailed by a kid who couldn't even tie her own shoelaces? "Fine," I grumbled.

Piper lead the way into mine and CJ's bedroom. "I'll pick out your costume," she stated heading for CJ's section of the closet.

Piper threw down a peach coloured dress that I had picked up for CJ during her second trimester with Keegan. I glanced down at the dress and realized that CJ was right! It was frumpy and ugly.

"How come I get this ugly thing? Mommy has better dresses than this."

"Are you nuts? She'd get so mad if we touched her pretty dresses."

I watched as Piper took out a silver sequined gown. I pointed to it, "How come you get that one then? That's one of mommy's favourites."

"Because I doesn't have the waist of a Volvo," she answered without a care that I was just insulted. I don't even think she understood what she said.

"Who said I had the waist of a Volvo?" I asked her while glancing down at my hips. I guess I did put a pound or so on during the holidays, as well as before and after.

"Mommy told Aunt Donna who told Uncle Josh when we went out for ice cream," she stepped into the dress and fell over. I laughed. "It's not funny," she scolded me.

"Piper you can't seriously wear that. You want to talk about the size of a house, well your mother is the length of this one," I told her feeling proud of my insult.

Piper's mouth fell open with shock. I knew right away I was in trouble. "I'll let you put makeup on me if you don't repeat what I just said to your mother."

Piper shrugged quickly getting over the insult and the urge to tattletale, "Okay."

"How about we put this dress back?" I held the dress over her body which she ducked out from underneath, "And we both live a few days longer."

"You can wear one of mommy's blouses with a skirt or something of your own."

"I'll help you put the ugly dress on," she happily volunteered.

"I think I can handle it," I said dreading the fact that I was going to have wear it.

"Okay then I'll pick out your shoes," Piper went back to the closet.

"Hey hey hey! Wearing shoes was not part of this nightmare."

"It's part of dressing up."

"In your world maybe but not in mine."

Piper came back with CJ's suede red pumps. "What are you colour blind?" I asked her as she handed me the shoes.

"They is pretty. Now hurry up the tea is getting cold," Piper ordered.

"How can the tea be cold when you haven't even made it yet?" I asked throwing the shoes onto the bed.

"Nana Bartlet doesn't argues with her hostesses," Piper said as she headed out of the room.

Alone and staring at the dress and shoes on the bed I yelled out, "It's Mrs. Bartlet to you!"

**Half Hour Later**

I was saved by the sounds of Keegan crying. I tried to stand up and I nearly twisted my ankle on CJ's boats. "Well I thank you for the tea. It was most lovely Mrs. Doubtfire but the baby is calling me."

Piper stood up from her little table and began to clear her dishes, "I'm happy that your old man finally let you out."

I bit my lip trying to not laugh. I got to the door and turned back. "I'm glad the old man did too. You throw a great tea party."

Piper's eyes lit up, "Thanks for coming. Be careful driving home," and gave me a quick wave goodbye.

I tried to walk to Keegan's room with the shoes on until I realized I could now take them off. I kicked them off with little force and entered my son's room. "Keegan when you get older remind daddy that I owe you a Porsche for this very moment."

Keegan lay in his crib gurgling which just tickled my heart. I changed his diaper and took him downstairs with me. While I got his bottle ready I put the Monsters Inc. DVD on for Piper. She sat quietly watching the movie while I fed the baby.

I had him burped and in my arms for the duration of the movie. I laid him in the cradle and decided it was time to go wash the makeup off of my face.

Piper went into her bedroom and closed the door. I was taken back by the amount of blue on my eyes and red on my lips and cheeks. I hope one of her professions in the future isn't as a makeup artist.

I turned the hot and cold taps on and soaped up the cloth. I applied it all over my face and then rinsed with my hands. I repeated this a few times before turning the taps off and keeping my eyes closed until I felt the towel on my right.

I looked into the mirror to verify I didn't miss a spot when my face was dry and panicked when I noticed that I hadn't made much of a dent on my face.

I took the cloth again and rubbed my cheek. Nothing! I threw the cloth into the sink and stormed into Piper's room. "What did you put on my face?"

Piper was opening her closet door when I had stormed in surprising her. I didn't wait for her to respond. "Piper what did you use to put the makeup on my face?"

"I don't know," she answered softly.

"What do you mean you don't know?" I wasn't paying attention when she applied the makeup. I closed my eyes as she instructed me to until she was finished and I was 'beautiful'.

"I found them in mommy's new bag."

I stomped out of her room and into mine. Piper was behind me and when I reached the middle of the room I turned to her. "Where is the bag you used?"

Piper walked over to CJ's nightstand and removed a small bag. "Oh my God," I shouted out scaring her again.

"PIPER!" I screamed out horrified. "This isn't makeup."

"It's not?" she asked completely surprised at this revelation.

"NO! They're mommy's bingo dabbers. Oh Piper!" I cried.

"I didn't know that. What's a bingo dabber?"

"This!" I held out the blue and red dabbers she had used. Their lids were mixed up which was of course a dead giveaway of being Piper related.

"Huh," was all she said uninterested in what I was displaying. "Who knew," she held out her hands.


	8. Chapter 8

TITLE: "Mr. Mom" (8/8)

RATING: AA  
>CHARACTERS: Piper and the gang<p>

SUMMARY: Keegan comes home

POV: Toby

FOLLOWS: Keegan

**13**

By the grace of God and CJ's makeup bag I managed to get my face cleaned off. Supper was cooked and served and Piper was FINALLY in bed for the night. Keegan was asleep (what's new) in the family room with me watching the Knicks lose to the Atlanta Hawks. Probably because I didn't have my handy oversized finger with me to cheer them on.

Piper screamed which startled me and I knocked over my beer. "Shit," I exclaimed to myself. I grabbed one of Keegan's diapers from the bag that I kept by the side of the couch and mopped up my spill. These things sure came in handy.

When I was finished throwing the sopping diaper into the trash I walked up to my daughter's room and entered. "You bellowed," I said dryly.

"What tooks you so long? I screamed hours ago."

I sighed as I drew closer to her bed, "It wasn't even five minutes ago. Did you have a bad dream?"

"No."

"Am I having a bad dream right now then?"

"No," she replied and then pointed to her closet.

I glanced in the direction that she was motioning towards and then looked back at her. "It's a closet Piper. You've seen them before."

I was so mentally and physically exhausted. All I wanted to do was go to sleep but I didn't want to miss CJ when she came in.

"I know it is a closet daddy. There's no monsters though."

"That's right honey. There are no monsters in your closet."

"I KNOW," she said with agitation in her voice. "That's the problem."

I gave her a confused look and said, "You know Piper? You really are an odd child. Most children don't get upset because there are not any monsters in their closet." I was stunned at her revelation.

"But I want Scully to visits me like he does Boo."

"Huh?" Maybe that half a beer I drank was too much for me because I am completely at a loss here.

"Boo daddy. The little girl that doesn't have germs and is Scully's friend. Well I guess she's Mike Wadowski's too but I doesn't like him as much as I does Scully and-"

I raised my hand to interrupt my rambling child, "What are you talking about?"

"Monsters Inc.," she answered flapping her arms around. "That's where Scully works. He used to be a scary monster but now they is all friendly."

"You screamed because a monster from a Disney movie didn't come and visit you?"

"Yes. Wasn't you listening?"

"Oh God I'm trying my best not too," I yawned.

"Why doesn't he come daddy? I has been sitting here waiting and waiting for him."

"Because he's not real Piper."

"He is real daddy. He is," she tried convincing me.

"Piper we've had this conversation. Remember the last time when you got upset because Mulan didn't hear you calling her name? Mommy and I explained to you that they are animations. They are not real."

Piper's facial expression changed to that of sadness. She started getting that pouty look that broke my heart. Even at her worst all she had to do to make me forget about my own temper was wear that look.

I got up from the bed and walked to her closet and opened the door. I poked my head inside and shouted out, "Scully if you're there Piper's here and she's waiting for you. When you get a free moment can you please come and visit her?"

I stood there for a few seconds and pretended to be listening to his response. I nodded my head a few times and then turned around and closed her closet behind me.

"Okay Scully said he's going to try his best and get to you before he finishes for the night."

Piper's face lit up and she began to bounce on her bed. "But!" I raised my finger up at her level. "He says you have to be asleep for real before he can enter your closet. Those are the Monsters Inc. Rules."

"Oh I will be," she gasped happily. "I'll start sleeping for real right now." She laid back down in her bed.

I tucked her back in by pulling her covers up and tucking them against her small body. "That's a girl," I whispered. I bent over her and kissed her softly on her cheek.

I turned back and began to exit from her room when she called out, "Daddy?"

"Yes baby?"

"I love you."

With a lump quickly forming in my throat I replied back, "I love you too Piper. Good night."

She was almost asleep when she softly bid me goodnight as well. I left her room and as I came down the stairs CJ was entering the house.

"Hey handsome," she greeted me from the doorway. I waved to her as I made my way in her direction.

"Toby what's wrong?"

I shook my head, "Nothing. Piper just said she loved me."

"Oh honey," CJ wrapped her arms around me. "Of course she does."

"Yeah but this time I wasn't giving her any presents or money. She said it for no reason."

"Toby there is no such thing as no reason. Piper said it because that's what she feels for you. Love," CJ smiled at me and kicked off her boots. "It's sweet though."

"What is?" I asked removing her jacket for her.

"The fact that your daughter makes you emotional by confessing her love for you."

"I think it's the beer," I teased my wife. She leaned over and gave me a nice full kiss on the lips.

"Mmm," she moaned slowly pulling away.

"Where are you going?" I mumbled taking hold of her by the waist.

"I'm going to check on my babies. I'll check on you afterwards," she gave me a quick kiss this time and I released her from my grip.

"Baby number two is in the family room. He doesn't say much and he's bad luck."

CJ laughed, "He's not bad luck." She got down on the floor and put her head to his chest and listened as he breathed and slept away.

"He made the Knicks lose."

"The Knicks lose well on their own. It's not because of Keegan."

"Hey!" I had to defend my teams honor.

"Why is Keegan down here and not in his bed?" CJ asked removing him from where he was at peace sleeping his early days of life away.

"Because before I can get him back up there he's unconscious. CJ he's not awake more than an hour or so at a time. I think there's something wrong with him."

CJ was kissing his cheek gently, "There's nothing wrong with him. He's a baby. That's what babies do." She had his fingers entwined with her own.

"He's so soft."

"Really? I'd have thought that after Piper licked him he might be a bit bumpy still."

"She what?" CJ laughed.

"She licked him," I repeated nonchalantly entering the kitchen.

CJ followed me with Keegan nestled in her arms, "What do you mean she licked him? Why did she lick him?"

"I don't know. Something about being told that babies have a special bubble around them that prevents them from getting sick. And if you lick a baby they can prevent you from getting sick as well." I shrugged my shoulders and opened the cupboard that held our wine glasses.

"You've got to be kidding? What kind of idiot would tell her that?"

I smiled back at CJ who looked confused at first but was suddenly catching on fast, "I'll kill him."

"Why bother. He suffers enough as it is."

"How do you figure that?" CJ demanded accepting the glass of wine I handed over to her.

"Because he has to live with himself everyday knowing that he's Josh Lyman. What could be more self destructing than that?"

CJ clinked her glass with mine and smiled broadly, "Baby you make a good argument."

"Speaking of which," I began to bring up. "I've been doing some arguing of my own and I've come to an agreement."

"Go on," CJ urged.

"I've decided that you were right all along."

"Okay….I'm liking this already."

"And I've decided that it would be in the best interest of our children," I swirled my glass towards CJ and then back to myself. "That we hire a nanny."

CJ coughed on her wine and wiped her mouth away and laughed. "It was that rough was it?"

"No. I can handle my own kids."

CJ eyed me. "I can!" I argued.

"Let me ask you this then. At what point during the day did you come to this decision?"

I tried to look as if I didn't understand the question. This made CJ continue, "Was it when she tried to make you Mrs. Doubtfire or when she used the Bingo dabbers on you?"

I was staring at my wine as it swirled in the glass when CJ brought up that hour of horror. My eyes quickly cast upon her. "What?"

She began to giggle. "What Toby? Did you think she would come up with that on her own? I don't even play Bingo. How would she know where to find them?"

I coughed a few times to clear my throat and asked, "What?" again as calmly as I could.

CJ came up to me and patted my shoulder, "Well I guess it doesn't matter anymore. You finally got the point and came to your senses and that is all that matters."

I turned around because she had walked on past me. "I went through hell," I whined which only made her giggle harder.

I followed behind her into the family room. "You think that's funny?" I questioned my wife.

She spun back around and said, "Quite frankly yes I do. And would you like to know why?"

"Ah yes."

"Because you think you know it all Toby. Don't get me wrong I love you for it. But it also can drive me mad sometimes. And I thought you could learn a lesson here."

I was flabbergasted, "A lesson? I had to wear heels."

CJ was laughing so hard she nearly had tears streaming down her face, "I'm so sorry. I don't mean to laugh it's just that…that…" she was having a problem speaking because she was laughing. "It's just that the image of that is so…funny," she finally blurted out.

"Well I hope you are happy with yourself. We almost lost Keegan for a buck, Barbie's bald in a few spots and you're going to need rubber soles if you ever wish to shower again because it's a hazard in there now with all that Vaseline."

CJ's eyes widened when I mentioned Keegan and Barbie but she started to laugh again when I mentioned the Vaseline. "Oh God Toby I heard."

"Gee, I'm shocked," I tried to play it straight but had I been on the other end receiving this information I would probably be wetting my pants from the laughter.

"She's my idol Toby. She really really is."

"Yeah well tell that to Barbie when you're gluing her fur back on." I sat down on the couch beside CJ and started to laugh myself. And that's how we spent the next half hour. We just sat there laughing about all of the misery our daughter put me through.

First thing tomorrow morning however, I will still be contacting a nanny agency because this Mr. Mom quits!

The End.


End file.
